MY MOTHER

i look exactly like her. The hair, the smile, its crazy you guys. my mother was a present, kind, and loving woman. She was at every school function when I was little and constantly toting me around to different activities. she spent a big chunk of her life focused on me and for that  i am eternally grateful. 

somewhere along the way she got lost. she was unhappy, she was confused and she turned to alcohol to fix those broken pieces. it was one of the most difficult things I have ever witnessed - watching this substance take away someone you hold so dear. I was 10 and i remember just wanting my mom back - and as much as I begged and pleaded, cried and screamed - this one was not my battle to fight. 

our relationship grew more and more distant and eventually became one where we only spoke on the phone occasionally. sometimes space is the answer - sometimes distance is what you need- and as a child i had to recognize that she was sick and i had to do my best to support her from afar. 

she lost her battle to addiction years later. We never really had the change to repair the damage that had been done. it was a loss that was so drastically different than anything else I had experienced because there was no closure. that relationship was never going to mend. the grieving process looked so different than any other i had been through - i had to work through a lot of anger, a lot of hurt, and most importantly the loss of my mother. 

i still think of her often, and honestly as an adult i am growing to understand how overwhelming and difficult this life can be. I choose to remember the good times we had without discounting my story and how her choices affected my path. And I cannot help to this day to see a little bit of her every-time i look in the mirror.